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4.09.2005

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Dure journée sur les émotions. Le Traité de paix ayant été signé hier, j'ai envie que tout se règle cette semaine. J'ai envie de tourner la page de mes six dernières années.

Aujourd'hui, j'allais pour la dernière fois à notre maison de campagne. Ayant vendu la moitié à P, c'était ma dernière visite "chez nous". Un tourbillon d'émotions s'est emparé de mon coeur et de ma tête dès que j'ai tourné le coin de la rue..

En regardant le terrain, j'ai revu l'épluchette de blé d'inde mémorable d'un certain été 2001. En prenant une grande respiration, j'ai senti de nouveau l'odeur du méchoui. Le ciel était d'un bleu éclatant, l'eau du lac était ennivrante, le soleil dansait avec nous. Personne ne savait vraiment ce qu'on célébrait. Ça rendait la fête un peu magique. On a dormi sous les étoiles, enlacés sous nos couvertures, après avoir fait l'amour à la belle étoile.. On était rentré à l'aube et on s'était rendormi dans notre nid d'amour, après s'être aimé, encore une fois.

Faire l'amour avec P a déjà été tellement bon.. C'était d'une douceur incroyable. Dans ses bras, le ciel pouvait me tomber sur la tête, je n'aurais pas eu peur. Je pouvais sentir son amour à chaque coup de reins, à chaque baiser. C'est d'ailleurs avec lui que j'ai saisi le véritable sens de l'expression faire l'amour..

En montant les escaliers, j'ai revu ma chaise berçante sur le perron. P l'a sorti dès qu'il a fait assez chaud pour qu'elle supporte le froid. J'ai passé l'été de ma grossesse à me bercer sur cette chaise. La main sur mon ventre, je regardais le lac en fredonnant des chansons à ce qui était entrain de devenir ma Mini C. Ça me coûte un peu de la laisser là. Mais je la laisse parce que quand Mini C vient dans cette maison, elle a une fixation sur cette chaise. Elle s'est fait bercée longtemps dedans, même après sa naissance et si je croyais à ce genre de truc, je dirais qu'elle le sent. Chose certaine, cette grosse chaise antique a toujours eu un effet calmant sur elle. Et qui sait, peut-être qu'un jour elle se bercera à son tour en flattant son ventre arrondi..

En entrant, instinctivement, j'ai fait un feu. L'odeur me rappelle toutes ces soirées enlacés, à regarder danser les flammes. On s'est déjà tellement aimé.. Mais qu'est-ce qui s'est passé? Où nous sommes-nous perdu? Comment c'est possible d'avoir des sentiments si intenses pour quelqu'un et de les laisser mourir? On avait de grandes ambitions pour nous deux.. Je me souviens d'un soir, couchés nus sur le plancher, on rêvait à voix haute. On a nommé les trois enfants que nous aurions. En tendant l'oreille, on pouvait presque les entendre dormir. On a trouvé un nom pour le voilier qu'on désirait aussi. Et on a planifié notre tour du monde.

Ces rêves sont disparus. Envolés comme la fumée qui s'échappe de mon feu.

Un gros pincement. Je ne suis plus en amour avec P, mais je suis encore profondément en amour avec nos rêves.. C'est très difficile de les laisser partir sans pouvoir les retenir.. Un peu comme les larmes qui inondaient mes joues..

Je crois avoir dormi un peu. Des rires m'ont réveillé. Ils provenaient de la cuisine. Toutes les soirées à rire, à cuisiner, à boire, à déguster.. Nos amis ne repartaient jamais avant les petites heures. C'était une joie de partager ces beaux moments dans cette maison enchanteresse.

On avait eu un coup de foudre pour cette maison. En faisant la route des fromages, dans Lanaudière, on est passé devant cette petite maison de bois, placée sur un terrain immense. Le propriétaire était dehors, on s'est arrêté pour jaser un peu avec lui. Coup de chance, il venait de décider de vendre la maison. On a demandé à visiter. Dès qu'on est entré, on a été charmé par toutes ces boiseries, par la chaleur qui se dégageait des murs, par l'histoire de ses anciens occupants. Centenaire, on sentait le vécu des familles ayant grandi entre ces murs. On est tombé en amour tous les deux. Instantanément. On a pris les coordonnées et nous l'avons rappelé le lendemain, avec une offre d'achat. Huit jours plus tard, nous étions propriétaires. Avoir une maison de campagne n'a jamais été un rêve pour nous. Mais elle était trop nous pour la laisser passer. À chaque occasion, on quittait la Ville pour aller se réfugier. C'était le nid dans lequel on reconnectait. L'annexe entre sa bulle et la mienne. Le refuge où nos deux vies occupées se retrouvaient. Un espace de paix..

Une larme ayant réussi à se faufiler jusqu'à ma lèvre, la douleur m'a sorti de mes songes. Je repoussais ce moment depuis mon arrivée, mais je devais monter en haut, toutes les choses que je devais ramasser s'y trouvent..

Un coup d'oeil furtif sur le rez-de-chaussée. Je ne sais pas combien peuvent valoir toutes ces antiquités? Il y en avait beaucoup quand on a acheté la maison et on s'est fait un plaisir de se renseigner sur la valeur de ces objets. Un peu plus connaisseurs après un an, nous avons nous-mêmes réussi à dénicher quelques objets pas mal du tout! Je me fais avoir dans la vente de cette maison.

Les escaliers sans rampe. Notre deuxième plus grosse peur quand je portais Mini C. J'étais tombée à pleine face, ayant de la difficulté avec mon équilibre. Plus de peur que de mal. On a quand même passé trois heures, couchés sur le lit, à attendre que Mini C se décide à bouger de nouveau. Couchés en cuillière, sa main sur mon ventre, le silence total pendant ces trois heures. On était soudé par notre inquiètude. Quand il a senti un premier coup, il s'est mis à pleurer dans mon oreille. Il la voulait sa fille. Il l'aimait déjà. P était un père extraordinaire. Doux, attentionné, disponible, patient, je n'aurais pas pu choisir meilleur père. Je ne peux pas lui enlever ça, malgré les derniers mois.

Le visage inondé de larmes, j'ai franchi le seuil de la chambre à coucher. Je n'ai pas envie d'étaler en détails ici mes souvenirs reliés à cette chambre. Ça nous appartient à tous les deux. Comme Mini C et comme nos souvenirs d'amour, c'est tout ce qu'il reste de nous deux. Je me suis étendue sur le lit. Plus aucune retenue. Perdue dans mes sanglots, l'oreiller de P sur ma poitrine, j'aurais donné cher pour qu'il soit à mes côtés. À ce moment, j'avais besoin de lui. Besoin qu'il me rassure, qu'il me dise que j'ai pris la bonne décision, que ça va bien aller, qu'on va être plus heureux ainsi. Besoin de voir que les blessures que je lui ai fait ne sont pas permanentes, qu'il réussira à guérir. Qu'on pourra se reparler, en rire, autour d'une bonne bouteille.

Je me suis levée, j'ai pris mes trucs et suis allée à la salle de bain. De longues minutes à me regarder dans le mirroir. Mais qu'est-ce que j'ai fait là? Où est-ce que je m'en vais comme ça? Pourquoi je n'ai pas réussi à m'accrocher après lui assez solide pour ne pas dériver? Pourquoi il ne m'a pas retenu? Comment on est passé de ultra-chaud à ultra-froid?

Je suis sortie presque en courant, refusant de m'attarder à chaque endroit où mes yeux ne se poseront plus jamais. J'ai barré la porte et j'ai couru jusqu'à la voiture. Fuir ces questionnements. M'en aller très loin. Ne pas revenir en arrière. Jamais. Plus jamais.

La musique au fond, j'ai joui une dernière fois en pensant à lui. J'ai crié mon plaisir et hurlé ma douleur.

***

Je ne sais pas comment finir ce texte. Je ne le finirai pas, simplement.

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